Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the the right side.
Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.
Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.
I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Always and Never and two words you should always remember never to use.
It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good, either.
Last night, I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself, "where the heck is the ceiling?"
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
My neighbor asked me if he could use my lawnmower. I told him he could, as long as he didn't take it out of my garden.