30 September, 2009
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."
"People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our own problems."
"Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other out right now?"
They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can."
The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."
The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."
29 September, 2009
* * * * * * *
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'
* * * * * * *
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,
'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
* * * * * * *
The Bedouin gazed at him in amazement, "What are you doing all the way out here dressed like that!?"
"I'm going swimming," the tourist explained.
"But the ocean is eight hundred miles away," the Arab informed him.
"Eight hundred miles!" the American exclaimed with a whistle of appreciation. "Boy, what a beach!"
28 September, 2009
'You ok?' she says.
'Yes.' he says.
'You can go and play with the other kids you know.' she says.
'It's best I stay here,' he says.'
'Why?', says the blonde.
The boy says: 'Because, I'm the goalie!!'
The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.'
The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'
27 September, 2009
A friend in need is a pest indeed.
Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.
When everything comes in your way you're in the wrong lane.
The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train.
Born free, taxed to death.
Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon!
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Someday is not a day of the week.
The librarian says to the other librarian, "So here is the person who took our phone book!"
26 September, 2009
"Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry," the girl wheezed as she spoke, patted her chest and seemed unable to continue.
"Do you have laryngitis?" the young man asked sympathetically.
"Nope," she whispered, "just vanilla, chocolate and strawberry."
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
25 September, 2009
24 September, 2009
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl: said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher: asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl: replied, "Then you ask him".
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot.
His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
23 September, 2009
There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord,"
And there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
22 September, 2009
"How romantic!" she thought.
Two-and-a-half hours later, she was still waiting for dinner to be served. She tiptoed to the kitchen and found it a colossal mess.
Her hurried husband, removing something indescribable from the smoking oven, saw her in the doorway. "Almost ready!" he vowed. "Sorry it took me so long but I had to refill the pepper shaker."
"Why, honey, how long could that have taken you?"
"More'n an hour, I reckon. Wasn't easy stuffin' it through those dumb little holes."
I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned everything it touched, ruined the darn phone, soaked my trousers and disconnected an important call.
Darn women drivers...
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR
Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
18 September, 2009
His father picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered, he asks, "Can I speak to Alf, please?"
"No! There's no one called Alf here," says the person who answered the phone.
His father hangs up. "That's irritation," he says.
He picks up the phone again, dials the same number, and asks for Alf a second time. "No-there's no one here called Alf. Go away. If you call again I shall telephone the police," the person says.
His father hangs up and says, "That's aggravation."
"Then what's frustration?" asks his son. The father picks up the phone and dials the same number a third time.
"Hello, this is Alf. Have I received any phone calls?" he asks casually.
* Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.
* Law of the Search: The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it. Corollary: It will not be in the last place you expect to find it.
* Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
The friend says, "Take a tip from me. The first week after we were married I told my husband firmly, 'Every glass and plate that you take, wash when you are done and put back in its place.'"
The first woman asked, "Did it help?"
Her friend said, "I don't know. I haven't seen him since."
17 September, 2009
The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."
The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat. She replied, "When he's done with my teeth!"
16 September, 2009
Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."
"Thank heaven," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had too."
12 September, 2009
The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.
"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked.
"Exactly," replied the instructor.
To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."
02 September, 2009
Kids' Wise Words1. Never trust a dog to watch your food.
- Patrick, age 10
2. When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.
- Michael, 14
3. Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
- Michael, 14
4. Stay away from prunes.
- Randy, 9
5. Never pee on an electric fence.
- Robert, 13
6. Don't squat with your spurs on.
- Noronha, 13
7. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to.
- Emily, 10
8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
- Taylia, 11
9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment.
- Traci, 14
10. Don't sneeze in front of mom when you're eating crackers.
- Mitchell, 12
11. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
- Andrew, 9
12. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
- Kyoyo, 9
13. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
- Armir, 9
14. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
- Kellie, 11
15. If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
- Naomi, 15
16. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick.
- Lauren, 9
17. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
- Joel, 10
18. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.
- Alyesha, 13
19. Never try to baptize a cat.
- Eileen, 8
01 September, 2009
The Pope was getting into his limo one night when he turned to the limo driver and said, "Before I die, I would love to drive this beautiful limo just once."
"Well, here," the limo driver says, "Take the wheel, Your Holiness!"
Further down the road, the limo is stopped by a policeman who looks in the window, goes back to his squad car, calls dispatch and says, "I just pulled over someone real important and I don't know what to do."
"Well, who is it?" his dispatcher says, "The mayor? The governor? The president?"
"I don't know," the officer responds, "but the Pope's his chauffer!"