30 January, 2011

Past Tense

I was in an English exam and they asked "Write the past tense of 'Think'"

I thought and thought about this for ages.

Eventually, I went for 'Thunk'

29 January, 2011

Expensive

Have you seen how expensive funerals are nowadays?

Just before I die, I'm going to change my name to 'OFF'. That way, when the hearse is driving to the church, it will have displayed on top of my coffin in flowers:

R.I.P. OFF

Don't Wanna Miss It

I was at a once in a lifetime corporate hospitality at a premier football game and I got an urgent call from the wife saying her mum's been hit by a bus and has only hours to live.

Fifteen minutes later, I'm at the hospital and the wife's hugging me. "Thank-you darling, I'm so sorry you'll miss your football."

"Don't worry, love, I wouldn't miss this - I'm taping it and I'll watch it later."

Dunno why she got so upset when I started setting up the camcorder.

20 January, 2011

millionaire's daughter!

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.

One day, the millionaire decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars, or my daughter, to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash in the pool. The guy in the pool was swimming with all his might, and the crowd began to cheer him on. Finally, he made it to the other side of the pool unharmed.

The millionaire was impressed. He said, "That was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?"

The guy catches his breath, and says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the guy who pushed me in the pool!"

19 January, 2011

Super Bowl

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," he says, "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else-a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?".

The man shakes his head.

"No, they're all at the funeral."

your time is up!

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete check-up.

Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly.

"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"

The doctor interrupts, "Nine..."

get up late?

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work.

His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.

Tom slept well, and in fact, beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.

"Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"

"That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"

18 January, 2011

Supper

This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper.

Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him. "I can't believe you're aking me about supper right now! Imagine I'm out of town, go inside and figure dinner out yourself."

So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, with potatoes, garlic bread and tall glass of iced tea.

The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, "You fixed something to eat? So where is mine?"

"Huh? I thought you were out of town."

05 January, 2011

Where is Pa?

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and rushed right over.

"Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget it for now. It's dinnertime. Come eat with us, and then we'll come back and I will help you turn the wagon back up."

"That's mighty nice of you, " Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Aw, come on," the farmer insisted, "you have to eat! We'll get back to the wagon soon."

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish." the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is your Pa?"

"Under the wagon."
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