25 April, 2009

Nice Quotes!!

Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.

Love affairs: Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test.

Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master

Divorce: Future tense of marriage

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either".

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power .

Dictionary: A place where divorce comes before marriage.

Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.

Ecstasy: A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.

Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Opportunist: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."

Pessimist: A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY .

Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Criminal: A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.

Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

Computer Engineer: One who gets paid for reading such blogs.

Attention - The New Virus Called Work!!

There is a new virus. The code name is "WORK". If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail, or from anyone else--do not touch WORK under any circumstances. This virus wipes out your private life completely.

If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take two friends and go straight to the nearest bar. Order drinks and after three rounds, You will find that WORK has been completely deleted from your brain.

Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means you are already infected by this virus and WORK already controls your whole life. If this is the case, go to the bar and stay until you make at least five friends. Then retry.

I think I have five friends but am not entirely positive ... so I'm headed for the bar anyway. It never hurts to be safe.

Things you probably didn't know...!!!

  • The average chocolate bar has 8 insects' legs in it.
  • The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night.
  • A cockroach can live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
  • A rhinoceros horn is made of compacted hair.
  • The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.
  • A polar bear's skin is black. Its fur is not white, but actually clear.
  • Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
  • Shakespeare invented the word "assassination" and "bump."
  • Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
  • If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn white.
  • Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
  • Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than Left-handed people do.
  • The sentence "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language.
  • The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.
  • TYPEWRITER, is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.
  • If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
  • The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left. This is called a palindrome.
  • A snail can sleep for 3 years.
  • American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.
  • China has more English speakers than the United States.
  • The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
  • Vatican City is the smallest country in the world, with a population of 1000 and a size of 108.7 acres.
  • Did you know you share your birthday with at least 9 million other people in the world.
  • "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

24 April, 2009

Cleaning your Computer from the inside!!

This website gives you the perfect solution..!! check it out!!

-Millie

Funny one-liners!!!

Life is wonderful. Without it we'd all be dead.
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
When there's a will, I want to be in it.
Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
"Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C mean?"
Never forget: 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
To define recursion, we must first define recursion.
Good programming is 99% sweat and 1% coffee.
The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
Too many clicks spoil the browse.
A chat has nine lives.
Fax is stranger than fiction.
What boots up must come down.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

- Millie

22 April, 2009

Staff Notice - Internal Memo..!!!

Dear Staff,

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada sneakers & carrying a Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better,
so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:

Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: January 1 & December 25

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again.

In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.
Management

19 April, 2009

An optimistic Poem!!

'Twixt optimist and pessimist,
The difference is droll:
The optimist sees the doughnut,
The pessimist sees the hole!

Poem of the day!!

Women's faults are many,
Men have only two;
Everything they say,
And everything they do!!

Good one-liners....

Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the the right side.

Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.

I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Always and Never and two words you should always remember never to use.

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good, either.

Last night, I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself, "where the heck is the ceiling?"

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level.

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?

My neighbor asked me if he could use my lawnmower. I told him he could, as long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

---

LOL!!!!!

Can we ever have...

Non stick cellotape...
Solar powered flash lights...
A black highlighter pen...
Glow in the dark sun glasses...
Smooth sandpaper...
Waterproof sponge...
Waterproof teabags...
Fireproof matches...
Fireproof Cigarettes...
Battery powered battery charger...
Seatbelts for motorbikes...
Inflatable dart boards...
A pedal-powered wheelchair...
Double sided playing cards...
Waterproof towels...
Powdered water...

???!!!!??!!!???!!!!???!!!!

Things to ponder about...

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dish-washing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called a cargo?

Why is it called MENstruation?

How can you not like the past but like the future and present when they both will eventually become the past?

If you expect the unexpected, wouldn't the unexpected be expected?

What happens if you give a pig some bacon?

Why is it called the MISSile if it was made to hit things?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

Who do you suppose was the first person to think, "that cow over there has those thing'ies hanging down. Think I'll pull on 'em and drink whatever comes out"?

Why do they call it a building if its already been built?

Do blind people have dreams? If they do, do they know what they are seeing?

If your eyes are round, why can you see out of the corner of them??

Why is more than one goose called geese but more than one moose is not meese?

Why are stairs called 'stairs' when inside, but when you're outside they're called 'steps'?

What color does a smurf turn when you choke it?

Why do they call Greenland Greenland when its all ice, and Iceland Iceland when its all green?

On Christmas Light boxes, why do they say for indoor/outdoor use only? Where else are we going to use them?

If 'practice makes perfect' and 'nobody's perfect', why bother practicing?

Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?

Why do cats have nine lives? Why not eight or ten?

If 24 hr. stores are open all the time, why are there locks on the doors?

Why do we say we know it by heart when our brain did all the work?

---
Aren't these a handful to think about? Please do add any more that you know of!!!

Nice day! - Millie
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