short jokes - and one liners!!

Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said. When did you first notice this problem? What problem? What is the difference between man and Superman? Man wears underwear under the trouser and superman wears it over the trouser. Yo mamma so fat, every time she turns around its her b-day!!! Sam: Would you punish me for some thing i didn't do? Teacher: no, of course not. Sam: good, because i didn't do my homework. Why did the elephant bring toilet paper to a party? Becase he was a party pooper. You so short you have to look up to look down. Yo mamma so ugly when she was born, your mother said, "What a treasure!" and your father said, "Yea lets go bury it". How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving. Why won't sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy. What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? Not enough sand. Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer? Take your foot off his head. How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb ? Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again. You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. I went into MacDonalds yesterday and said "I'd like some fries". The girl at the counter said "Would you like some fries with that". Jay Leno Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. -Brooke Shields The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Robert Bloch The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think. What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse'. Energizer Bunny arrested. Charged with battery. When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. He who laughs last didn't get it. There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an Insurance salesman? Remember: Don't insult the alligator till after you cross the river.