hahaha...poor duck!

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"

"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

Angry Wife! Find out why! lol....

A wife asked her husband to describe her.

He said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She said, "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous Hot."

She said, "Oh that's so lovely. What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding"

A bet is a bet...

A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump.

Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50. The redhead said,
"I can't take this, you're my friend."

But the blonde insisted saying, "No. A bet's a bet."

Then the redhead said "Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money."

The blonde replied "Well, so did I, but I didn't think he would jump again!"

"cup of tea"

> 
> One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. 
> 
> I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little
> 'tea set' as a gift and it was one of my favorite toys. 
> 
> Daddy was in the living room en grossed in the evening news
> when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just
> water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such
> yummy tea, my Mom came home.
> 
> My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring
> him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My
> Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with
> a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up. 
> 
> Then she says, (as only a mother would know... :)
> 
> 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach
> to get water is the toilet? 
> 
> 

birthday present...lol...

A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?" She said, "I'd love to be ten again." On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park - the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was. She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning. Then off to a movie theater, popcorn, cola and sweets. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed. Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?" One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually, honey, I meant dress size!"

bar joke!

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

9 Words Women Use

>   9 WORDS WOMEN USE
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when
> they are right and you need to shut up.
> 
>  
> 
> (2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a
> half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have
> just been given five more minutes to watch the game before
> helping around the house.
> 
>  
> 
> (3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm.  This means
> something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that
> begin with nothing usually end in fine.    
> 
>  
> 
> (4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do
> It!     
> 
>  
> 
> (5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal
> statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she
> thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her
> time standing here and arguing with you about nothing.  
> (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.) 
> 
>  
> 
> (6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous
> statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means
> she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and
> when you will pay for your mistake.  
> 
>  
> 
> (7)  Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or
> Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a
> clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a
> lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you
> at all.    DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ... that
> will bring on a 'whatever').  
> 
>  
> 
> (8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying ____ YOU! 
> 
>  
> 
> (9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous
> statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a
> man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This
> will later result in a man asking 'What's
> wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.