Past Tense

I was in an English exam and they asked "Write the past tense of 'Think'"

I thought and thought about this for ages.

Eventually, I went for 'Thunk'

Expensive

Have you seen how expensive funerals are nowadays?

Just before I die, I'm going to change my name to 'OFF'. That way, when the hearse is driving to the church, it will have displayed on top of my coffin in flowers:

R.I.P. OFF

Don't Wanna Miss It

I was at a once in a lifetime corporate hospitality at a premier football game and I got an urgent call from the wife saying her mum's been hit by a bus and has only hours to live.

Fifteen minutes later, I'm at the hospital and the wife's hugging me. "Thank-you darling, I'm so sorry you'll miss your football."

"Don't worry, love, I wouldn't miss this - I'm taping it and I'll watch it later."

Dunno why she got so upset when I started setting up the camcorder.

millionaire's daughter!

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.

One day, the millionaire decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars, or my daughter, to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash in the pool. The guy in the pool was swimming with all his might, and the crowd began to cheer him on. Finally, he made it to the other side of the pool unharmed.

The millionaire was impressed. He said, "That was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?"

The guy catches his breath, and says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the guy who pushed me in the pool!"

Super Bowl

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," he says, "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else-a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?".

The man shakes his head.

"No, they're all at the funeral."

your time is up!

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete check-up.

Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly.

"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"

The doctor interrupts, "Nine..."

get up late?

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work.

His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.

Tom slept well, and in fact, beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.

"Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"

"That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"